Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy