me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
everyone’s a critic
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
The absolute effort that went into this omg
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers