Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?