First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Hmm, not sure about this change
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.