CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
A bold strategy
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome