[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Well, that should do it
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me