Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.