If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.