My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.