11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
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let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
😬
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
This came to me in a dream.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.