As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me too door. Me too.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’