If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.