10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
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My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.