The hardest thing Vision has to do
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
the noise i just made
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.