When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :