Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*