Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Twitter remains undefeated
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.