“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Are we there yet?…
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.