Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
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[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
💁🏻♂️
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.