me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
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Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way