How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
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An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Going into Monday like
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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