Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Who did it better?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The devil.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.