If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨