me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
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What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*