The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
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Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed