Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
“We will wed,” I threatened
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings