In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
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I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Real House Wines.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.