The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*