Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
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Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Go girl power!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
New Tinder profile.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.