I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.