Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I could NOT have put it better myself.