you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.