*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.