nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
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A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
is this meant to deter me
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..