“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.