The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?