America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You Might Also Like
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies