Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.