My favorite type of men is ramen.
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality