Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You Might Also Like
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
broke down and did it
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better