need him
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.