so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Everything reminds me of my ex
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Best table by far
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.