There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that