Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Thrilling chase underway
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Every house has this drawer
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.