Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Damn what did I do next
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever