no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?