Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently Iβm 8 years old.π€¦π»ββοΈπ
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Delivering eulogy at oβpossumβs funeral: Before I start Iβd like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Guy from the Prodigy: Iβm a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: Youβre the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man donβt drag me into this shit
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think Iβm thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Her: Iβve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: Thatβs redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
me: iβm proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: thatβs awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
him: hi, Iβm Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if⦠wat if water was mor like sandwich
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank yβ
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didnβt like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.