just pretend nothing happened
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You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
accurate
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”