sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator