Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus